Soul-sickness

The last few weeks worth of conversations in HOPE have been not only interesting but quite thought provoking.  We talked about those old-time feelings that return from time to time on our journey of lifestyle change. When we begin to feel unworthy, victimized, helpless, and resentful again, we can know we have slipped back into codependency, a condition also known as soul-sickness. Sandy calls it "notgoodenoughitis"!  I love that.  The good news is that it doesn't mean we are back to square one on lifestyle change. It simply means we need to use the tools we have learned to help us out of the dark, muddy, pit of codependency.  KT shared a story when one of her children was stuck in a deep mud pit.  Her husband grabbed their son and pulled him so hard to get him out, that he pulled the child right out of his tennis shoes which both remained buried deep in the mud.  What behaviors do you need to leave buried in the pit of codependency as you pull yourself out?  The tool for this week:  How do you get out of the deep dark pit of codependency?  How did you get there?  How can you miss the pit next time? 

Two weeks ago we talked about using others to create our happiness or stop our pain.  Many of us have waited for someone else to make us happy or waited so long for someone to stop the pain we were in. Our well-being is not held by another to be given or withheld at whim.  That beautifully wrapped gift of well-being is one that I give myself. I am totally responsible for it!  While it is true that if someone steps on my foot they are hurting me and therefore holds the power to stop the pain by getting of my foot, it is totally my pain and my responsibility to tell the person to get off my foot!  The tool for this week:  Draw a gift with a tag that says To: (your name) and From: (your name).  Now name the gift that you would like to give yourself.  We had some awesome answers to this one in group.  Oh what freedom comes when we realize that we are responsible for our own well-being!

Last week the nugget was titled "Perfection".  That word makes most of us squirm because either we are striving to achieve it or because we feel so far from it.  Striving for perfection leaves us in that "all or nothing" wasteland, and feeling far from perfection leaves us shaming ourselves for not being good enough.  It can also become an excuse to do nothing.  Perfection is impossible unless we reframe that word and think of it in a new way.  Perfection is accepting and loving who we are and accepting where we are today.  Nothing good comes from perfectionist behaviors and everything good comes from accepting and loving who I am.  Then and only then can I change where I am and have lasting lifestyle change.  The tool last week:  name a perfectionist behavior that you indulge in on your journey of lifestyle change. Define indulge.

This week we will chew on taking risks, and even being willing to fail, which is the very thing that will lead us out of perfectionism.  Should be interesting. Hope to see you on Tuesday or Thursday this week!      

A New Time for HOPE!

Happy Spring everybody!  I have some new and exciting news for the H.O.P.E Program.  We have decided to change the time for the Tuesday group from 10AM - 11AM to 12PM - 1PM.  We have met on Tuesdays at 10AM for 10 years, but for several reasons we are moving to the lunch time hour so some folks who work will now be able to join us over that hour.  Here is the H.O.P.E. schedule
beginning on April 16th: (This week we will meet at 10AM on Tuesday)

Tuesdays from 12PM - 1PM
Thursdays from 6PM - 7PM

The last several weeks we have had some deep and interesting conversation about trusting ourselves, empowering ourselves, getting our needs met and last week that led us into the topic of learning to appreciate ourselves.  Notice the theme of these last many weeks?  It's all about me!  All these nuggets are focused on me, myself and I! The only way to make lasting progress on the journey of lifestyle change is to remove my focus from others and return it to me. Notice I said "return" it.  Focusing on everyone elses needs to my own detriment is a learned behavior.  And for those of us on this journey, the cost can be very high. 

As we chewed over the topic of trusting ourselves, we realized that one of the most harmful things that has happened to us was that we came to believe that we could not trust ourselves.  Self-trust is a healing gift we can give ourselves.  How?  We learn it!  The tool on this week was to identify a place of shame in your life and then identify what compassion would say to that shame. 

The next week we talked about empowering ourselves.  Part of empowering ourselves is understanding what drives our behavior.  When we react to something, we are coming from a child place with little control over our emotions.  When we respond to something, we are coming from an adult place taking responsibility for our emotions and the need that they are pointing to.  The tool on this week was to define react and respond and share an experience where you reacted and one where you responded, and what you felt during both. 

The following week we talked about getting our needs met.  You can see the flow of the nuggets through these weeks.  We had a great discussion on how feelings identify a need.  Nothing more, nothing less, so we do not need to be afraid of feeling.  When we close our eyes to a need in our life, we close our arms to its fulfilment.  The tool on this week was to identify 3 feelings you've had throughout the week and then identify what the need is, then finally how to meet that need. 

Then last week we talked about learning to appreciate ourselves.  Although we have walked through most of our lives apologizing for ourselves - directly or indirectly and feeling that we were less valuable than others, believing that others are meant to be here and we are not.  It is time for that to stop!  We gave a copy of the nugget to each person last week and encouraged them to repeat these truths to themselves outloud. 
* We have a right and a responsibility to be here.
* We have a right and a responsibility to be ourselves.
*We are worthy and deserving.
The tool last week was to write how you feel about this sentence.  "I am the greatest thing that will ever happen to me" -Codependent No More.  Also, how can you validate yourself?

This week we will talk about what to do when those old-time feelings begin to creep back in. 

Enjoy your week. You truly are the smartest wowan I have ever known!  EVER!

    

Emotional Convalescence

We have had some awesome conversation over the last few weeks about emotional convalescence (healing from emotional pain that drives unhealthy behaviors) and learning to accept who we are, including a painful past, so that we can begin to change where we are.  We started two weeks ago by picking out the verbs or action words from the following quote to see what part we are responsible for in our own healing:

"Learn not to grow impatient with the slow healing process of time.  We need to discipline ourselves to recognize that there are many steps to be taken along the highway leading from sorrow (and shame)to renewed serenity (and peace) . . . We need to anticipate these stages in our emotional convalescence; unbearable pain, poignant grief, empty days, resistance to consolation, disinterestedness in life, gradually giving way . . . to the new weaving of a pattern of action and the acceptance of the irresistible challenge of life."  Joshua Loth Leibman

I just LOVE that quote!  So full of truthful nuggets for me to sink my teeth in to, or better yet, sink my thoughts in to!  Lifestyle change is a process.  It's a gradual process, a healing process, and a spiritual process - a journey rather than a destination.  It's in the  journey that we learn this new weaving of a pattern of action and the acceptance of the irresistible challenge of life.

Last week we continued the rich discussion on what it means to accept ourselves.  Many of us have stuffed and numbed our feelings for so long that we really aren't sure of who we are at all.  Valid point.  Many of us feel so much shame about ourselves that it impacts our behaviors in such unhealthy ways.  Another valid point!  We compared it to walking around in life wearing a pair of glasses that are the wrong prescription and has numerous smudges all over the lenses.  Of course both of these issues would affect my ability to interact with the world around me.  If the curb looked far away but was actually right in front of me, I would trip and probably fall.  My wrong prescription did not reflect reality.  That is exactly what happens to us when we believe things about ourselves that are not true (smudges and wrong prescriptions) and operate under wrong and unhealthy messages.  An example that we talked about is if I believe that I am unworthy of taking care of myself, then I will not eat well, rest well, make time for fitness or any other number of things.  The journey of lifestyle change is a wonderful way to become aware of some of these "smudges" and "wrong prescriptions" that have caused us to repeat unhealthy behaviors that do not serve us well.  The tool last week was to identify some of the smudges that are on your lenses and how that particular smudge impacts your behavior on your journey of lifestyle change.

This week we talked about taking care of ourselves; not an easy thing for most of us to do.  Again, what we believe about ourselves will certainly determine how, or if, we take care of ourselves.  We have to be connected to ourselves and our feelings to know what we need.  That leads to the tool for this week since the highlighted sentence and the tool are extremely connected.  List a few REAL needs that you have this week and a few MANUFACTURED needs that you have this week.  The following is an example
"I need some ice cream because I only got three hours sleep and I'm so exhausted = MANUFACTURED NEED.
"I need to rest now and will go to bed early tonight because I only got three hours sleep last night" =  REAL NEED.

Enjoy your weekend and I look forward to seeing you all next week.  And if I haven't told you lately, you truly are the smartest people I know!  Keep up the awesome work in group . . .
   

Thursday Night H.O.P.E. group returns!

I am excited to announce that we will be starting the H.O.P.E. Program's Thursday evening group on:

                        Thursday - February 14th from 6pm - 7pm

We have had many request for the Thursday evening group and I am thrilled that we are now able to offer it.  I would also like to make everyone aware of the fact that I will be having foot surgery in the beginning of March which will prevent me from facilitating H.O.P.E. for several weeks.  I am so happy to tell you that our own group member of many years, Sandy Welfare, has graciously agreed to facilitate during my absence.  Sandy is quite qualified as she has completed her Master's degree in Christian ministries with a minor in counseling.  Her years as a H.O.P.E. participant gives her a clear insight into the journey of lasting lifestyle change.  We are also still looking for the right person to fill the role of our H.O.P.E Therapist.  We will continue to interview applicants and will have the prospective thereapist sit in with us in group.  We are hopeful that we're getting close to finding just the right person!

This week we talked about the debilitating effects of shame in out lives and on our journey of lifestyle change.  When we operate out of a shame place in our life, it impacts every choice we make, and disrupts our ability to see things from a healthy perspective.  The message of shame never changes; it is "I am bad" or "I am unworthy".  Shame truly is mud to the soul!  We talked about learning to identify and name the shame in our lives.  Loving and accepting who we are will then enable us to change where we are.  The tool this week came out of our conversation about shame.

TOOL:
How can my shame be tied to my lack of motivation?  

Street Signs for the Journey

Hi everybody!  Well I'm back to blogging again and have decided to blog a little bit each week so that I can include the weekly tool for those who missed group and would like to have it.  This week we talked about goals. Goals simply give us direction in our lives and that is exactly what we are looking for in lifestyle change.  Direction.  Direction towards health and wellness and wholeness. As we think about our goals for the upcoming weeks and months, we can look for signs that will tell us if we are heading toward our goals.  When my goal was to go hiking and camping in Montana, I followed every single sign that pointed toward Glacier, Montana.  The signs that told me where I was and if  I was on the right path where extremely important.  It is the same with our journey of lifestyle change.  What are the signs that you're seeing on your journey?  What are the signs telling you about where you are on the path towards your goals? 

The new year stands before us, like a book waiting to be written.  We can help write that story by setting goals.

The tool: 
Write the title of each of the 12 chapters of your book.  You can be creative in naming these chapters and what they represent for the goals that will give direction to the next 12 months of your life.

I look forward to seeing each of you next week.  We will be talking about choices and honing our ability to recognize them. Have a great weekend! 

Change

Hi Everybody!  I hope you all had a good summer and, like me, I'm sure you are ready for some cooler weather.  It was a difficult summer for me as I have been healing from another deep loss in the death of my precious mother at the end of April.  Thank you again for all the love and support that you showered on me over the past couple of months. 

Change. 

That is the reason most folks show up here at H.O.P.E.  To change something.  Change is inevitable and can be very painful at times.  Change can also inspire excitement and anticipation.  The H.O.P.E program has experienced a great deal of change in the past several months as well.  We have lost two long-time and very committed group members, Gayle Hall and Eilene Sheppard, both having died within months of each other.  We have also lost our awesome and beloved therapist, Amy, to full-time work, which better served her family.  We will find another therapist that we all adore and who is well suited for our group.  We know this because we have found ourselves in that position before, where we wondered if we would ever find another therapist that was as well-suited for our program as she was. As most of you know, we ended up finding Amy, who we all just adored, after just such a change!

The best news about change, is that when one door closes, another one opens, or a window opens, or the roof comes off or we dig under the house to get in or .   .   .   .   .   .  Change always provides room for many opportunities, new personal growth, many lessons to learn and a different path on which to walk.  Part of the human experience is to experience change.  People die, husbands get transferred to new cities, children grow up and go to college and health issues arise.  While resistance to change is natural, I learned a few things about change in general when I experienced lifestyle change many years ago. This has served me well as I have recently experienced profound change personally and as the H.O.P.E. program has also experienced change.

* Resisting change seems to be a knee-jerk reaction.  It's natural, however once I realize that I am resisting and swimming upstream, I stop trying to control that which I cannot control and I let go and ride the current.
* Support is essential and necessary for me when I am in the midst of change, whether the change was my choice or not.
* Staying anchored to the Truth is super helpful to me.  In times of big change, I can get uncertain, anxious, and afraid.  This is when some of the "old and dysfunctional" tapes begin to play in my head.  If I challenge that racket with Truth, I win. Always.
*Life is messy and I don't need to know how to clean it up.  I do need to know how to take care of myself and I do need to know how to use my voice.  Both lessons I learned during times of change and both I will carry the rest of my life.
*Being intentional about staying in the moment or at least in the day! I have spent SO MUCH of my life either bemoaning the past or fearing the future. Change requires being in now.
*I must be willing to feel.  The more I stuff my emotions, the larger my body becomes.  I know that truth, so I must be willing to feel, and with change comes an assortment of feelings!


H.O.P.E. took a break for the summer and we are about ready to start H.O.P.E. for fall and winter 2012. Following is our upcoming schedule.  Welcome to the new folks.  Welcome to the longtime group members.  You are in for some good, challenging and thought provoking curriculum.  I am looking forward to experiencing change, lifestyle change, with each one of you.  God bless you and I will see you soon!

September 18th and September 25th -  FREE H.O.P.E. Open House will meet on both of these Tuesdays from 10:00am - 11am in the Large Conference room.  It will be an open house for all the new folks that are interested and for the regulars to get back into group spirit.  We will have a group ice breaker and a time of sharing H.O.P.E.'s goals and objectives. For the new folks, you will have an opportunity to see what it is that we do here in H.O.P.E.  Some of you regular H.O.P.E. attenders will be awesome at sharing your experience with new folks.  I think you all will enjoy what we have planned on these two Tuesdays whether you are new and just checking us out or if you are a regular longtime group member!

October 2nd thru the end of 2012 - H.O.P.E. will officially start back after summer hiatus and will run every Tuesday from 10am - 11am until the end of this year.

Welcome Back!

OK, so I fell out of the habit of blogging every week, and the next thing you know it's been a month!  I'm back!  First, I would like to invite all H.O.P.E. participants who can stay after group tomorrow and join us for lunch, please plan to do so.  We will not meet again until next year! 


I would like to spend this time expressing my gratitude for the H.O.P.E. program participants who so courageously and openly share themselves, week after week, accomplishing the work of lifestyle change.  I am so proud of each and every one of you, and commend you for your honesty, committment, perseverence and love and respect for each other.  I learn from you every week.  You inspire me to keep putting one foot in front of the other when I am struggling.  You come to group not only to receive, but to give all that you have.  Yourselves.  Thank you.  You ARE the H.O.P.E. program and all that it entails.  You are the best, the brightest, the hardest working, the most beautiful and the joy of my heart. 


To the smartest people I know, may the joy of Jesus, the Christ, invade your hearts this season, and may you experience personally, a life changing relationship with the One who would come as a little baby on a cold morning in a country far away to bring HOPE to a dark world.  God bless you all and Merry Christmas.